The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
