Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
