It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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