o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
