I hate all girls vehemently.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
