I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
