Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
