I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
