We're like a lot better than the average bears
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm passing your future prison.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
