You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
