Got a toothbrush?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
