I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
