i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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