I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
