So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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