So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
