4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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