you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
