what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
