There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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