Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
