Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize