I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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