Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize