i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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