I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
