She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He passed out mid-signature
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
