I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
