Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
