I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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