I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
