i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
