I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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