There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
