My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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