Whod you bang
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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