i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
