I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Boobs are out for the taking
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
