I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
