I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
