don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
