so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize