just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
