i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
