Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
