She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Found the puke drawer
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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