so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize