you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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