some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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