wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
