Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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