I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
