Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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