mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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