I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
