it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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