I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
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