Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
