Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
