I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Ladies don't puke and tell
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
