well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
