My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
