Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
