By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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